I felt compelled to share my testimony because I know what it feels like to suffer in silence. I know DEPRESSION.
Many times as Christians we feel that there is an image that we need to maintain and if we don’t keep up with the image, we will be condemned by the church, our families and all those speculating every aspect of our lives.
Many of us avoid getting the help and treatment we need because we feel ashamed and fear judgement.
I want you to know that aside from being believers and followers of Christ, we are human. We are in the process of being perfected by the perfect one, but sometimes in the process we go through dark tunnels.
My first encounter with depression.
At the age of 14, in the middle of an ugly divorce my parents were going through, I found myself feeling alone, angry, unimportant, unloved, and worthless.
I was beyond depressed, yet those that were my “friends” and family members didn’t even know.
At times I contemplated ending my life. I felt that my existence was so insignificant that no one would even care that I was gone.
Alone in my home, standing in front of our kitchen counter, holding a bottle of pills in my hand, battling with the thoughts of ending the feeling of not being able to endure my life any longer, I heard a whisper that said “Don’t do it.”
That weekend I joined my mom to church.
I had just started going with her so I wasn’t familiar with how things went or what I should expect. Little did I know that God had already ordained that day to reveal himself to me in a way I had never expected.
I was standing in a corner with my eyes closed as the worship team sang and in the midst of the worship, a woman led by God himself came to my ear and recounted the very moments I contemplated taking my last breathes. “I was there with you the whole time” He said “That’s why you couldn’t do it.”
At that very moment I KNEW that God was real.
I didn’t tell anyone what I had planned on doing that day, and no one was home. She could not have known.
I gave my life to him that day.
After that, depression was not longer something I struggled with. On the contrary, during difficult moments in my life I made it a point to ALWAYS pull the positive out of a situation.
But then life hit me with a curve ball.
Ever since I was a little girl I ALWAYS loved children. I ALWAYS desired to be a mom….when the time was right of course.
With plans of going back to school to finish my undergrad, I then discovered that I was pregnant.
I was very nervous like any other new mom, and I was also overjoyed.
But then I found myself battling with uncomfortable emotions that were all too familiar.
After a few weeks of receiving the news of the BLESSING in my womb, I became extremely overwhelmed with the thought of becoming a mother.
I felt inadequate, unsuitable, unprepared, unable, under qualified, undeserving, I felt like this was a complete MISTAKE.
I was stressed, sad, and all I wanted to do was be in bed ALL DAY.
Hormones are usually the number one reason for our emotions being out of whack during this critical moment in our lives but, there is also a spiritual aspect to it. Why would the enemy want us to be happy with a GIFT that God has blessed us with?
I knew who I was, I knew who was with me, but I still couldn’t shake off the feelings of not being good enough for the new journey I was about to embark.
I struggled with these emotions and feelings for a few months, a bit ashamed that I, being a Christian and leader in my church, would even doubt the very blessing that God says is His REWARD to us. I thank God for placing me in a church that understands true deliverance and cares about the matters of the soul, not judgment. With the counsel from my ministry leaders and support from my closest family members, towards the end of my pregnancy, I was delivered from all negative thoughts, feelings, insecurities, and doubt.
When I gave birth to my son I was able to freely and joyfully embrace the most precious gift I have ever been granted.
Women are incredible masterpieces of God.
He created us with utmost beauty, strength, wisdom and an amazing ability to not only bare children in our wombs, but also love and nurture them when they are born.
SOME, not ALL, but MANY women struggle with pregnancy depression, post pregnancy depression, or both.
I was one of them. You are not alone.
If you are struggling with depression as a mother or mother to be, I encourage you to seek sound counsel from family, friends, ministry leaders, or medical professionals.
I want you to know that you are loved!
You are valuable!
You are more than enough!
You are needed!
You are qualified!
You are/will be a great mother!
You are doing an amazing job!
Her children arise and call her blessed
If you feel like you are going to hurt yourself or your child, please call a friend, a family member or The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.